Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
