im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
