please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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