On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
