i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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