he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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