The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
