Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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