OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
