No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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