my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
