officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
