I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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