Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
