9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
