You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
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When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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