you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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