Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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