I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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