so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
