MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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