So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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