I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
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So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
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Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We're too hungover to prance.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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