He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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