just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just threw up on my dentist
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
