I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
