Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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