dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
