Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
