Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
