i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
