im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
