I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
