I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
