Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
i now understand why vodka
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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