You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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