A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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