there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
