I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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