Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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