guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
