Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
