On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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