I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
BRING THE BAGELS
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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