lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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