Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
