i jhust puked up my retainher.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
