i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
