I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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