Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
