I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
