I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
