what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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