his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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