News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
