Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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