I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i think i have two assholes
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize