there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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