I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
