Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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