OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
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I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
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Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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