I faked an abortion last night.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
